The 38 "best" shitposters on Bluesky

A man asked how much she weighed and she ate him. Runs the bakery-pun desk (Maslow's Hierarchy of Kneads), the band-name-feminizing desk (The Vulva Underground) and the period-store desk (Bloodbath & Beyond). Ran away with it.

Last night, a man asked me how much I weigh. Folks, he was delicious.

Star Trek puns, strong pasta opinions, and a standing request that you please use alt text. Throws out the mac and cheese because this is a linux and cheese household. Second place, and he'd like you all to lower your standards.

perhaps today is a good day to pie

Describes this website as a bunch of people dealing with their shit by stringing pretty lights around a dumpster, which remains the kindest thing anyone has said about it. Swears beautifully, notices birds, cannot walk past a sugar maple without saying he'd tap that.

The only word I’ve said aloud today is fuck. But in 3 different octaves!

Six feet of radioactive decay and candy, self-appointed mother of this website, and the subject of an HOA letter regarding the size of her crow army. Short jokes, dropped from a great height.

i saved thousands on my car insurance by returning to the sea

Works at Bluesky. Posts like she's daring them to notice. Holds a fully worked-out position that the first layer of butter is only primer, and you must let it melt into the foundation before applying the real layer.

started from the bottom, now we here (a new bottom)

Holder of the "oh i'm pretty sure that's just jerry spreading misinformation" award, still defending the title. Calls spreadsheet people cellcels. Cyberbullies large accounts into using alt text, which is frankly a public service.

yea i’ve got imposter syndrome. im poster

Found a sword stuck in a stone and told everybody. Invented governwoment. Correctly identifies overnight oats as a textural nightmare labeled "iced brains" in a haunted house.

[horse meeting] We're getting a lot of good feedbag

A pun machine with a cat problem. Gave us youthanized, the remoat, and Bean Me Up Biscotti. Privately suspects that when cats make biscuits on you they are performing kitty CPR.

If you fart while wiping that’s called a dreamcatcher

Filed an emergency bulletin about her four-year-old eating marshmallows dipped in ketchup. Will tell a chatbot to eat bee piss and then the bees. Describes her own posting energy as the short guy swinging wildly while a taller guy holds him off by the forehead.

when life gives you demons, make demonade

Writes the long one, the one you read all the way down. Believes The Muppet Show should be a taxpayer-funded function of American culture. His wife asks whether he's going to post that one on Bluesky, in a tone he finds very hurtful.

extremely bad time for an astronaut to find out he's a werewolf

Mostly a pizza account, by her own description, then a run post, then something that makes you put your phone face down. Once forgot the word thirsty and had to improvise on the spot.

(forgetting the word thirsty) I’m horny for some water.

Keeps one favorite visual joke in permanent rotation and thinks about it several times a week. Ends sentences with prepositions, who gives a fuck at. Has confirmed that banana bread fucks.

end your sentences with prepositions, who gives a fuck at

A nurse, and spooky about it. Will explain what that breathing in the next room actually means and then ask whether the grim reaper is drunk. Called a sixty-seven-year-old patient girly pop and reported herself immediately.

is the grim reaper fucking drunk or what

Toronto's leading reader of long manifestos about what's wrong with Bluesky, written by people who don't spend enough time here to know. Reminds you that any word in the original post can be used as a springboard for incoherent free association.

i was a regifted child

Flaming dumpster extraordinaire, and the last man alive still offering the full Zima-and-Police-Academy-on-BetaMax date. Apologizes for not being a better person on the grounds that this is what an entirely unsupervised child of the seventies and eighties looks like.

I came here to make bad jokes and I am fuckin killing it.

The menswear guy. Arrived being right about tailoring and stayed to be right about most other things. Would like it on record that when they make the film of all this, the bad lapels should be part of the story.

no greenlander ever called me a libtard

Middling jokes and existential dread, per her own bio, which undersells both. Wants ten-factor authentication so she can never sign into anything again, and to go to sleep on the floor instead of circling back.

I'm not negative. I'm chaotic positive

Puts Tums on her pizza to save time. Hosts parties for introverts where you bring your own noise-cancelling headphones and a Kindle. Thinks people should post less whiny and more whimsy, then goes and does it.

i do not think therefore i do not am

Writes the kind of joke that comes with its own stage directions. Has established that Frankenstein is a metaphor for the dangers of reanimating corpses with electricity, and that Jaws is, more than anything, a metaphor about being attacked by a shark.

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

Writes entirely in ALL-CAPS DIALOGUE and essentially never misses. Responsible for geollo, for superbar, and for the discovery that Rome wasn't built in a day, Rome was built in Italy.

YOU: (wise) rome wasn’t built in a day ME: (wiser) rome was built in italy

Voted most likely to let it linger, and has never once let it go since. Whispers that she's still punk while turning the music down in the car so she can see better.

i’m like if a baby became an adult

This is his brain on drugs, no questions at this time. Deals mainly in the quiet observation — night bugs go toward the light because they're trying to read their little books.

Banger? I hardly poster!

Spokesperson for beavers. Spent sixty dollars on flowers for one hummingbird and is now financially and emotionally entangled with a flying sugar addict called Pedro, who chirps at her relentlessly and expects a bath.

Doomscrolling is out. Bloomscrolling is in.

Logs on, asks what he missed, and would like to be told every thing. Runs the live commentary the rest of the site reads over his shoulder, which more often than not ends in lol.

hello what did i miss tell me every thing

Can take a paragraph of the news and hand it back as a line you repeat for a week. Has observed that congress is the model UN and should be issued legos and a propeller hat.

Yeah I'd like to get laid... laid to rest!

Irish, and constitutionally unable to stop. Gets tazed by the same long-suffering zookeeper every week for shouting bananaconda, and his wife says Get out! at roughly the rate he posts.

J.R.R. Tolkien's full name was Jonathan Ronathan Rolkien Tolkien

Horrors and hot dogs, usually in capitals, usually directed at someone named Kevin. Not a manic pixie dream girl but a lethargic troll nightmare woman, which is a considerably better thing to be.

There is no next year, only Zuul.

Empty inside, full-figured outside. Specializes in following something tender about home being where you know the shower settings with something you absolutely cannot read out at work.

Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

Submits to The New Yorker several times a week by posting a caption and announcing This is the one, The New Yorker! The maddening part is that it usually is the one.

“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.

Has run the is-it-a-tomato-it's-a-tomato-isn't-it format directly into the ground and keeps turning up new ground underneath. Also awake at 3:56am working out that Roseanne Barr marrying Jeffrey Epstein would make her Roseanne Epstein-Barr.

is it a tomato, it’s a tomato isn’t it

Wrote the one about the human body not being designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes, then went straight back to being murdered in a kitchen he had only just mopped.

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

Deals in the sentence that lands before you've finished reading it. Would like a Disney princess who is older, cranky sometimes but nice, swears a lot and is — fine, yes — her.

The world is broken but the dik-dik is perfect

Signs off with Good morning! 🤍 directly after saying something that ought to require a license. Currently seeking someone to feed her enchiladas whilst making airplane noises. No weirdos.

One time, I had a man tell me I was mouthy so I ate him.

Posts a cat when the timeline needs a cat, a song when it needs a song, and otherwise the driest line available. Reports being at the age where you can gravely injure yourself walking in a straight line on level ground.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the stupidest fucking days of our lives.

Got a family-size pack of chicken for ten cents because somebody keyed in the weight wrong, and told everyone immediately. Once brought an entire pot roast to a job interview and ate it while they went through his resume.

vegans can’t be president, there’s too much at steak

Posts like a transmission from somewhere just left of here. Works in IT, is also a life coach, is also a minotaur. Builds sentences that have no business working and then they do.

Only wink wink can nudge nudge me

Turned up in August and was immediately at home. Freezes leftover soup in an ice cream tub for the express purpose of setting an emotional trap for her future self.

There's never a falling anvil around when you need one.

Czar for life, master strategist, window installer, wanted in a hundred and twenty-three countries. Has now been fighting a three-day war for fifty-two months and files every update himself, perfectly deadpan.

I remain a master strategist.

The newest name on the board. Runs largely on reaction — the screenshot plus four words that make it funnier than it had any right to be — and loves catching other people's arguments in her feed.

christ if that’s not a metaphor for our times